How does blockquote work again?
Neat!
Anyway, i haven’t updated in a while. I forgot I had this, then I became depressed. Then, I got into my own little world. Then, I got into school and volunteering and physio. Then, I got busier. I have a few interesting things to say, though. Later. I will post later. This is turning into every other blog in the world. This post is so very cliché, except for the blockquotes at the beginning.
So, last night I overheard one of the most ignorant statements ever. This drunken 20-something was squeaking at her friends about her newly ex-boyfriend. “So, I gave him a cigarette. And, like, I said to him, you know the one sticking up is bad luck. But he still took it.”
Apparently this girl thinks that the cigarette that sticks up the most from the pack when you open it is bad luck. Apparently in Australia, there is a custom of making a lucky cigarette when you open the pack. It is apparently also an international custom.
http://ask.metafilter.com/39222/Why-do-people-make-a-lucky-cigarette-in-their-packs-of-cigarettes
A lucky or unlucky cigarette in a pack… I have never heard, first-hand and on the street, something so silly.
So, I haven’t updated in a while. Some of you *co*Gus*ugh* might be wondering why I haven’t updated in a while. The reason, as the title suggests, is the novel I am writing.
Okay. So, I’m not just writing a novel. I am also writing an inspiring children’s book.
This how-to guide is never intended to be followed under any circumstances. I assume no liability for any injury that may occur from anyone stupid enough to follow this guide. It is intended for entertainment purposes only. You may commence the laughter now.
Set up
First, you should prepare the materials. Attach the two chains to the two dog collars and attach the other ends to about 50 lbs of weight. Glue two of the pebbles from your six into each shoe, at the approximate point where the arch of your foot should be. Glue another pebble into the heel of each shoe, using up the rest of your rocks. Wrap masking tape all along your calves, scattering sand in the tape at the back of either calf. It’s okay if some sand spills over. Put one quarter cup of sand in either shoe. Shake vigorously for even distribution. Tape the balls of your feet and all toes but the big toe. Tape your four toes which are not the big toe together and down slightly. Attach rope/chains to the weights as though the weights were a backpack. Do this twice, making sure that one weighted backpack is 50 lbs and the other is 25.
Now, you may drink. Drink until you are just drunk and feeling like stumbling around a bit. That’s nice.
Beginning to Walk
Sit. There is no point in standing just yet. Put your shoes on, but make sure you’re not wearing thick socks. Tie the shoes loosely. Attach the dog collars to your ankles or wrap them around the toes and upper part of the shoe (preferred). You may now stand up. Slowly now. Remember you’re drunk. Get your friends to help you put the heavier backpack weight on your chest and the lighter one on the back. This should give the sense of being pulled forward.
Your friends have a very easy and fun job. As you take each step, get them to push you side-to-side, very gently, but different every time, and with different amounts of pressure. You can use the two canes to help you walk, but your friends must occasionally, and randomly, jerk up on your hands if you use them. Take as many steps as you are capable of. If you stop to take a break, while standing, your friends should shove rock you in all directions while also pushing down on you. You are to attempt to stand straight during all of the shoving and walking. Continue this for a few months.
Finalization
After a while, you’ll notice that walking becomes easier. This is where you need to get creative. One day, your friends should make everything lighter and not tell you. Then, a few days later, they should make it about 50% heavier all around than it was to begin with, while also rocking you harder. You should also see about getting a small dog to bite your legs as you walk. That always adds to the excitement. Sometimes you should be more or less drunk. And, don’t be afraid to randomly change the heaviness of all weights. You can make it lighter on top and heavier on bottom, or vice-versa. It wouldn’t hurt (or would it) to have one of the friends stab you in the back with a pencil a couple days a week. And, if you feel the need to go to the bathroom, make sure to bring one friend along to rock you while you’re doing it…whether you’re sitting or standing.
